The Hardest Part of Being a New Dad

Two of the happiest and most stressful days of my life are: 1) the day I got married to my wife and 2) the day my wife had my firstborn son. Nothing can describe the feeling of looking into your son’s eyes for the first time, knowing that you and your wife produced something so special. It’s a feeling you can’t describe. You’d need to experience it.

Now having a kid isn’t all fun and games. There are sleepless nights, constant changings and feedings, and fast arguments over who does what because tensions are so high.

But none of that compares to the most challenging part of being a new dad.

Hardest Part of Being a New Dad

The hardest part of being a new dad is watching your wife suffer and knowing there’s very little you can do about it.

After we brought our son home from the hospital, my wife wasn’t producing enough milk. Our son was hungry and crying incessantly, and my wife’s world was in absolute chaos.

She was disappointed in herself that she couldn’t feed our child. We all know it isn’t her fault (especially since the milk doesn’t start flowing until 2–3 days after you begin breastfeeding). Even she knows it isn’t her fault. Yet, she felt like she was already failing at motherhood from DAY ONE.

I remember taking a lap around the neighborhood in the middle of winter with my wife because she couldn’t handle the feedings, our son, and how miserable she felt. I’ve never seen her so sad. So depressed. So emotionally unstable.

But that day was just the beginning. No one fully tells you what happens to mom when you have a baby — your stomach changes, your breasts change, your mental state changes, and your body becomes foreign and unrecognizable to you.

Before my wife got pregnant, she was 130lbs. When she gave birth, she was close to 195lbs. After 12 months of breastfeeding, she is at 157lbs, but she knows her body will never be the same.

I know she’s self-conscious about her body. I know in the back of her mind she wonders if I could ever love her the same (don’t worry, I do).

I know all of these things, and no matter what I say or do for her, there is still suffering I see in her. I know she struggles with her body. With producing enough food for our child. With juggling work, life, and having a baby. And that by far is the hardest thing about being a new dad.

It is to watch your wife struggle day after day with problems you can’t even comprehend. All you can do is to try to understand what she’s going through, and to support her in every way that you can.

I can’t produce the milk for my wife. I can’t change her body to make it what it used to look like. I can’t take away the stresses of motherhood. But there are a lot of things I’ve learned I can do.

Things You Can Do for Your Wife

Help her cope with stress. Two great ways to cope with stress are breathing and exercise. Learning to use your diaphragm to breathe again is a game-changer when it comes to managing stress. You can check out my article “3 Breathing Drills Every Postpartum Mom Must Do” for quick and easy breathing drills.

The other thing you can do is to help her move more. NOW this is very important. Do not force exercise. You run the risk of having her think you are calling her fat and that you no longer love her. You must be gentle with your approach or forever have her hate you. You must use finesse.

I started by telling her I was going for a walk with the dogs and asking if she wanted to come. Most of the time, she said yes, but if she ever said no, I would gently remind her that getting outside would be good for all of US (not her). We then slowly transitioned that into “Hey honey, I’m going to go work out. Do you want to come?” Again do it together and tread softly.

Just listen and say, “I understand.” Your wife at times, will need to vent all her frustrations on you. Now is not a time to be a problem solver. It’s time for listening and telling her, “I understand.” Your wife only wants to be heard, and if you go into heroic husband mode, that will only annoy her more. Just listen, don’t try to fix the problem, and understand.

Buy her what she craves! Fellas, before you go home to your wife, call her up and ask her if there’s any food you can get her. Once she tells you… Get it! (It does not have to be healthy 100% of the time).

Take an active part in decision-making about your child’s life. Do the research on finding a pediatrician, the right daycare, baby food, what kind of vitamin d supplement to buy, etc… This shows your wife that you are actively participating in your child’s life and that you care.

Find ways to give mommy some pure mommy time. One thing that I’ve learned is that even when I’m watching our child with my wife in the house, my wife is still watching our child because she can’t stop thinking about him. No matter what. She can sense him.

So, send your wife to get her nails done. Take your child out of the house for a few hours so your wife can do whatever she wants. Do something, anything, so that mommy and baby are not in the same vicinity.

I would often take our son to my parents’ house and stay there for a night. Do whatever you can to give your wife time away from the baby.

For additional information or more helpful hints regarding
postpartum training, check me out on Instagram @coach_kumosz

Email me at joshkumoszfitness@gmail.com

Request the online training video series “Body after baby!”

Josh Kumosz